A funny - because I can't be bothered to write a real update.

Kelli sent me a funny, thinking I would enjoy it. I thought you would too. It is, of course, not at all true. But the story of its untruth is quite amusing in and of itself. The link to the snopes article is HERE. You should read it. I will post an update. I promise. Soon...ish.

Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

The Post-Trip Update (A Long Time Coming...)

Well, it is about time that I catch you all up on what is going on in my neck of the woods.

The trip to the States was nice. I enjoyed seeing my family. I enjoyed spending time with Tristan. I enjoyed the weather and driving on the right side of the road. Tristan’s birthday was wonderful, and I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that he is 7 years old. That is practically grown up.

Boo had a bit of a hard time with the amount of time he was with me. It is so hard for kids to transition back and forth, and he was very homesick. I understood: I was homesick too. I didn’t expect to be, but I was.

We did quite a bit of shopping, and Ashley should be all set up with new clothes and new glasses for the year. Tristan got a lot of new clothes too, and I even splurged and ended up with some new work clothes and a few tops. I stocked up on things I can’t get in the United Kingdom; things like Malt o’Meal, corn syrup, and green chiles. To be honest, I didn’t foresee that packing two empty suitcases wouldn’t be enough, but after I left Ashley 3 boxes of Malt o’Meal to bring back with her, I only had ½ lb. to spare in 1 suitcase. The other was packed up tight and exactly as heavy as it was allowed to be without paying extra.

There is a story to go along with the topic of suitcases: in London before I left Stephen and I discovered that one of the wheels on my large suitcase was almost broken. We readjusted the packing, and the plan was for me to have it repaired in El Paso. Well, El Paso does have a repair shop that does not service my type of luggage under warranty, so I had to pay for it myself. Plus, they couldn’t give me a time line because they had never worked with that company before and were not sure how it all was going to happen. 3 days before my flight home I called them to find that they had sent a wheel, and it was the wrong side, then sent another one that did not fit. The put a different brand's wheel on it as a stopgap for me.That wheel didn’t even make it to my landing in London, for when I got the luggage off the luggage rack, the wheel was completely gone. So the 2 hour trip home from Gatwick airport involved a 50 pound huge suitcase with an essential wheel missing, and another 50 pound suitcase, plus a backpack and a laptop bag. By the time Stephen met me in Canterbury, 2/3 of the way home, I was exhausted and sore, and the wheel on the smaller bag was broken. By the time we actually got home, it was trashed. There is a lesson here:Pierre Cardin luggage is rubbish.I hope Ashley does not have the problems getting back that I did.

There is an ending to the computer story from an earlier post also. My computer did not arrive back in time, though it was en route. (A few more days and it would have made it back in time.) They allowed me to exchange it, and I had the amount of money that I originally paid for the old laptop. Since laptop prices have gone down significantly in the last few years,I have a new high-end laptop, and I only had to pay the amount of the 3 year extended warranty that even covers accidents.It was a small investment for a new laptop. I ended up with a Sony Vaio, which apparently Sarah and some other family members also have. Stephen approved, and is happy with the choice.He occasionally putters on it and seems content.

Let’s see… what else. For my birthday, Dan and Christie gave me a Palm Pilot, and it is being put to good use. Stephen was quite happy to find 300 or so games to put on it. It is synched with our home computer, and he is still looking into ways to connect it with my Google calendar. There is time yet to figure it out. The airline didn’t care at all about my birthday, and actually didn’t even look closely enough at my passport to discover that I was flying on my actual birthday. The man at airport security noticed, though, and told me to have a nice day because of it. I got lucky in sitting on the plane, too. The first short flight from El Paso to Houston, the man who was sitting in MY aisle seat told me that he was ‘packing heat’ and then showed me his gun. He was a federal marshal. He didn’t give up my aisle seat, so I sat in the window. Thank goodness for scopolamine, because otherwise I would not have been able to get to the toilet. The flight from Houston to London I was sitting next to a very nice gentleman flying to Dubai for a skiing trip. He was very friendly… but took off his shoes thus releasing intense foot smell, had severe body odor, and snored emphatically the entire flight. He must have slept very well. I didn’t.

Jet lag has been kicking my tush. I am still having a hard time falling asleep at night and waking up in the morning.

The house unpacking thing is coming along, slowly but surely. Poor Stephen must have been just drowning in boxes. I am not yet comfortable posting pictures of the new house, but I intend to eventually.

Ashley should be getting her A-level results in the next few days. I’ll let you know how she did.

I cut my hair. It ended up being between 8 and 10 inches chopped off. To be honest, no one has noticed.

Stephen left yesterday for his 10 day family holiday in Austria. I have to be honest and state that the biggest reason I didn’t prioritise an ‘I’m home’ post was because of wanting to cram in as much time as possible in the 5 days that we were both home together. Being in the house completely alone is a little nerve wracking, but I am surviving. I know things will get done around the house because there is just nothing else to do. And work is nice because it means that I have something to do during the day rather than just sit at home and mope. I have been invited to a BBQ this weekend, and may go. Plus, as of today there is a first aid class I am being sent on in another city.

So Stephen comes home on the 25th or so, Ashley comes home a few days after that, and then we all gear up for school again. Fun fun, I tell you. But being my last year of school for a little while, I can suck it up.

Good Grief (Myspace Blog)

Old story told again. For the first one, read THIS POST.

Now, I certainly don't mind people talking to me and having interesting conversations with me. And I welcome new friends, which is why my page is public. But come on... at least take a moment to READ my page. Obviously happily involved with someone, obviously not only literate but also eloquent enough that people want to read what I have to say. What could possibly make someone think that the way to my heart (a direct route through Stephen, may I point out) is through something like this:

hey u huni. wud love to have a chat with u sexy. du u have msn babes.x

Come on. Get real. Like I am going to just swoon and immediately give you my MSN because you call me sexy. And yes, that is copied and directly pasted from the message.

Today must be my lucky day, because not only do I get that one, but this one too!

how are you?can we meet?pls anser me.are u really 33 ?:))
u look like a model?

If I was 12 and received this, I certainly hope that in today's world I would already know that the answer is H**L NO I am not going to meet you! I don't even know you! Even if I am thought of as pretty (which some days is a very debatable thing...) I am most definitely not stupid. Messages like this are, and sadly people fall for them all the time. I feel it is my duty to point them out and say that these people are not worth even replying to. Perhaps being blatantly shown how silly they sound will convince them that English is a language to be salvaged, and perhaps the next people to message me will actually take the time to read what I have on my page.

Shesh. Just... shesh.

Dear god

I do not know how to let him go. And my heart is already being torn out of my chest thinking about it.