09:51 am - livejournal post

09:51 am

I can tell I am closing in on my period.

Yesterday was full... my younger niece had 4 seizures in as many hours, no fever involved. Sister panics, and calls me. B is a total prick and was mad at her for taking younger niece to the hospital, so told her that if she wanted to get home, she could call a 'fucking taxi'. Prick. I could totally use some release of aggression. On his physical being.

Then I /finally/ hear back from financial aid. And the answer is no. Not a chance of financial aid for England. I'm stunned. I can't really think. And I certainly don't know what to do next.

But no time to process, too busy busy busy. I kept older niece last night, because Mr. prick gets drunk. I did it FOR SISTER... and yet she made it sound to him as though I were offering to help him out. I'm not entirely sure I would spit on him to help him out right now.

(Can you see the mud-of-depression sucking at my boots?)

So then another night of not sleeping well, and my house is trashed and I just want to crawl into bed and hide and Stephen said he does not want me taking out a loan and I am feeling bloated and fat and I just want to bawl like a little baby.

How am I supposed to positively know that I'll be in England when I can't figure out a way to pull $16000 out of my ass?

It didn't help that I told my sister the very shortened update on the Stephen situation and her response was "Amy, he doesn't love you'" and then this morning he didn't tell me that he loved me before I logged off (he is really sick, and who says it matters if it gets said every time anyway, and I kind of logged out before he had a chance to say it anyway)

I have lots of similes for how I am feeling. I'm tied to a stake at low tide and the water is lapping at my feet. I am walking in a swamp, can't control my body and I can feel the bog starting to suck me down. I am standing in quicksand and I'm starting to sink but I can't seem to move.

I hate this time of the month. It feels an awful lot like drowning in despair. I'm trying to stay positive, but...

Current Mood: gloomy