Kind of Sad News...

I received an email from the University today. I was expecting it sooner rather than later, as the scholarship decision was to be made by the end of July.

I didn't get it.

I'm a little sad, but its ok. I have to keep in mind that I did my best, that my essay really did not suck at all, and that I had no way to know what it was they were looking for. I didn't beg for money. I didn't grovel. I just wrote the best possible essay I could. I have reason to be proud.

I can always try again next year, and I will. But I still won't grovel or beg.

Tristan has started expressing his sadness at our moving. He will miss me, he says, and I know I'll miss him. I have to drop what I'm doing every now and again and just hold him. I feel like I need to breathe deeply of him so I can remember his smell, hold him so very tight so I can remember what he feels like in my arms. I'm excited, and yet so sad at the same time. It feels like my heart is being ripped apart. I cry too often, and sometimes I don't even realise that I'm crying until the tears are silently dripping off of my nose. This is hard. I remind myself that I'm doing the right thing.

No news on movers yet - no dates scheduled. I have moved past anything productive into impotent, temper-tantrum rage.

On a brighter note, Stephen will be here in 13 days! There's a spot in his arms with my name on it. Maybe then it will be easier to let everything out, because I won't be alone in my house of disarray.