Ecstasy in the Pit of Despair

Things are very weird around here.

Stephen is ill again, and I have had this terrible headache that beats in time to my heart and feels like I am wearing a cap of pain for the last two weeks. My mother is not improving, and is, in fact, getting worse. I am stressed to the max, what with papers due and all sorts of other stressors, both ordinary and extraordinary. I'm in the midst of my final teaching placement, in a year group that I am not comfortable nor familiar with. (The only age children that I haven't worked with IN MY LIFE.) I am not sleeping well. Not nightmares, thank goodness, but toss and turn and doze but not sleep, and fall asleep just in time to wake up exhausted. This is the pit of despair.

And in the midst of all of this... my life is tremendously good. I love me. I love being alive and being in my life. I feel young and (most of the time) strong and healthy. Stephen may well be the most wonderful adult male alive (sorry Daddy and Dan - you can come in an extremely close second.) My daughter is the awesomest, as is my son. The world is a beautiful place to live, I am in the midst of extraordinary times, and the sunshine makes me bask in it.

It just struck me today, in the midst of mucking about in the pit of despair, exactly how good my life is, and how much I love it. Yes, I'm tired, I'm worn out, and I'm sad about a lot of things. I feel as though I have this gem, and that I don't deserve it at all. It is like a vein of precious jewels. The dichotomy is stark.

Some examples.

This morning, we overslept. By a lot. I had 30 minutes to get to the bus, which is a 15 minute walk away. My lunch was ready, though not packed. My computer was not packed. I was not going to get it all ready. Stephen offered to help me, and he packed my laptop and my lunch while I got dressed and threw in my contacts. As I was leaving, I moaned about the fact that I wasn't going to have breakfast, in a not serious way, to which he replied that my breakfast was made and in my backpack waiting for me. I love him so much more now than I did when I moved in with him.

Last year this time, we were struggling with Ashley about a myriad of things, including her grades. She had checked out. This year, she keeps up with her studies, works hard, and I am not frightened of going to her parents night next week. I get to let her go out and do things, and trust her. I get to tell her 'yes' to things rather than grounding her. She is doing really well and I am proud of her.

I am a few weeks away from paying off my tuition for the entirety of my bachelor's degree, a few months early. This may not sound that awe-inspiring, but it has been a lot of money and I have been really stressing out about being able to afford it all. I have been ultra-conservative in spending. And it is a huge load off of my back to have it payed off. That means I will be able to graduate, which means I can get a job that will enable me to pay off the rest of the things that I need to. This is a good thing.

There is a position opening up at the school that I am placed at (which I really really love.) I spoke to the administration about it today, and they have given me a timeline, and a really positive response to my inquiry. I had an impromptu pseudo-interview, and was told that Monday I start a "7 week job interview". No pressure there. And I want it. So badly. It is in a reception class (ages 4 to 5, kind of but not really equivalent to kindergarten) and while it is not my dream age group, it is my second choice. I would much rather be in a perfect-for-Amy school. They are inclusive, they work hard to be socially just. And it is in a beautiful tiny town called Reculver. I could easily see us living there, and raising children there. I would be comfortable with my kids going to this school.

I was thinking about how to title this post on the way home. It has been a dark dark time, what with death and illness and stress. I feel as though I am high. Like drugs that make you feel so physically GOOD that you just have to roll in it. Like heroin. It would have been an appropriate title, but I thought that there would be a lot of people who wouldn't understand that. Ecstasy explains it pretty well too, though. My world doesn't have to be perfect to just be that darn good.