02:29 pm livejournal post

So...

I want to talk about A.

I have been so good...I have not called her names or said nasty things or decked her or done any of those things that I actually do /think/ about doing.

I got to hear all about her pet name for me from Stephen's best friend's house mate, who is friends with her. She calls me bint, and Ashley brat. To everyone. As in that is what we are known as. bint and brat. She has done this, apparently, for long enough that when being spoken of, people have to use those terms in order to recognize who I am.

bint: an arabic word for daughter, and in the UK, a slang term for a woman who is unpleasant and domineering. Not a nice word AT ALL.

The best friend and housemate were having a housewarming party, to which Stephen and I were invited. A would be there. I wanted to go for a very bad reason... I wanted to show her up with my impeccable manners and haughty ignorance of her. I had visions of her feeling cut to the bone by the fact that I had so little care for her. I wanted to hurt her by being so bloody nice. But I knew I couldn't be friendly with her. I still can't.

Anyway, I decided to not go, because my reasons for wanting to go were shit. I told Stephen that he could go if he wanted, and he did. And then called me from the party and told me that he wanted me to come too. Honestly, I was glad. I had told him that I didn't care if he went... but I think I lied. Not on purpose, I didn't realize that I would end up feeling upset by it, but I was.

I kind of expected A to not be there, as I had told Stephen all of my reasons for deciding not to go... but she was. And I was terrified. Completely cowered by her... and it ticked me off so much. And one point in the evening, she brandished a knife in the room in front of me, not at me, but in the room, and I recoiled from her. And later she ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and drew a heart in lipstick on it. (Which she did to everyone except Stephen, so in that I wasn't singled out) I spent the whole time scared of her, my heart racing, and fuming for being scared.

She sent me a message on facebook afterwards. It has slowly turned into a conversation, as I cant seem to not respond without feeling rude. But the thing that gets me is that she wrote about me again, after the party, on her livejournal, in a public post, calling us bint and brat. Citing a conversation that she had with a friend about me (though it is not stated... and in my very defensive defense, its a new country, new water, new soap, and yes, she has fucking clearer skin than I do!) The link is here... you have to read the post and the comments.

I have NEVER called her anything but A. Even at my most angry, I never called her demeaning names and told all my friends what a such and such she is. And I am so very offended, and frustrated that there is nothing at all that I can think of to do that I am willing to do about it. I don't like to hate people... I don't even like the word hate... but she pushes all my buttons just the right way. Part of me really wants to confront her, get up in her face... but I never would. 1. It would serve no purpose, and 2. I don't want her to know that she gets to me like this.

I want to be a nice person. I want to be accepted by the people that Stephen hangs around with. But I feel as though she has taken all of them and poisoned them against me, and that there really is no point in even trying. So I'm sitting her whining to you all about it. *sigh*