07:12 am - what love /really/ is - livejournal post

07:12 am - what love /really/ is

I say 'I love you' a lot. To a lot of people. And I mean it. I say it to Stephen all the time, and he does not say it back as often. He tells me, but it doesn't flow out of his mouth like breath like mine do. And that's ok, I never mind. It's not really even anything I've thought about before. I have always been 'more loving' than others, from the time I was born.

But today I was floored and humbled by the awakening that I had with Stephen. (You all are going to get tired of hearing me talk about him, I think... Sorry.) It started from IM, as it usually does since that is how we talk in the mornings while he is at work.

Amy: is there even an amtmux anymore?
Stephen: sometimes...
Stephen: but with no-one on
Amy: the last time i tried to log on it wasnt there.
Stephen: i just tried.. and it's not
Amy: It makes me a little sad, with all of esthers things there.
Stephen: :(
Stephen: if you're that concerned.. you can ask ivar for a flatfile of the game.. and I could run it somewhere

I almost wanted to cry. 'I love you's' dont mean squat to this. I was instantly aware of what he was /really/ saying... he was saying that he loves me enough to host a silly game because it means something to me because of a dead friend. Not even because of all of the memories that he and I share there... just because of Esther.

Amy: you know, baby - that was really sweet of you.
Stephen: what is?
Amy: to offer to take the amtmux and run it just for my sentimental reasons.
Stephen: *smiles*
Amy: It made me feel very loved. and I wanted to tell you.
Amy: thank you
Stephen: you're welcome

From my journal to him: "Sometimes love is not how often 'I love you's' are said. Sometimes love is not the sex and control and passion. This is an even bigger love. And some people gloss over things like this, little things that mean I love you. I don't want to be a person who glosses over them. This type of I love you means more, because it is not blatant, it is easy to pass over and miss."

I can't believe this hit me so hard. I'm crying, being sappy and sentimental and crying for feeling so overwhelmed by emotion. Silly girl, silly girl Amy.

Amy: you know what else makes me all sappy sentimental about the amtmux?
Stephen: what?
Amy: lemonland
Stephen: lol
Amy: you used to sneak me away and hide me from everyone else.
Amy: greedy.
Stephen: Yup
Amy: does that mean you could be considered ultimately greedy, since you have now snatched me away from the rest of the real world too?
Stephen: yup
Amy: are you happy being so very greedy, lovely?
Stephen: yup
Amy: *kisses and giggles* wanna know a secret?
Stephen: yup
Amy: *whispers in your ear* I'm happy you are so very greedy too.

Current Mood: loved