Nightmare... (LiveJournal Post)

I am a vivid dreamer. This is the biggest reason that I don't like living by myself. There is no one there when the nightmares come. And they do come, a lot. I have nightmares a lot. The worst ones are the ones that I can't get out of, the ones where I finally wake myself up by screaming in my sleep. Those are bad. But the painful ones, the /really/ painful ones that I can never seem to forget, are the ones that are so sad that I cry in my sleep. Sometimes even cry myself awake.

Just now I woke up crying from a nightmare. A bad, painful one.

My grandmother, whom I love very much, is dying of Alzheimer's. In my dream, I went to the nursing home to have lunch with her. She didn't recognize me. I had Boo with me and he was scared by the situation, and it got bad enough that I had to leave before I planned to in order to take him home. So I kissed grandma goodbye and I walked with her back to her bed. There were really long green cords attached to her, and she had to drag them along with her. They must have been heavy, just for the sheer length of them. They trailed out of sight behind her in the corridor. When I got grandma back to her her I bent down and gave her a kiss and told her that I loved her, and she grabbed onto me and started screaming. She couldn't speak well, it was mostly few words, but it was screaming in my ear, and at first I couldn't understand her... but then it was her begging me to take her home, to get her out of there, please please don't leave, Mamy... and she shocked me when she called me Mamy, grandma doesn't call me Mamy so I looked down at her and it wasn't grandma, it was Katie, and she was screaming at me and she was her baby size but she was so old and wizened and they were grabbing her arms to rip her away from me and strapping her down onto her bed and she was screaming... so I wrapped her in my arms and held her so tight and I started to cry in my dream. She held onto me and looked in my eyes and said "bow... Mamy.... bow...." and I asked her if she wanted a bow and a ribbon for her hair and she started to cry these great big huge tears from her huge eyes staring at me and nodded and I was sobbing now in my dream so hard and they wouldn't let me take her home and I had to go, Boo was screaming in terror in the background, and I told her I loved her and I had to let her go and walk away as katie/grandma screamed "Mamy! Mamy!" in the distance and I woke up just sobbing, my face already soggy from how much I had been crying.

Every time I have a crying dream in the last few months it is about grandma. I know I'm sad about it, I feel guilty that I can't/don't get up there to see her more. But I woke up convinced that she is in my head on purpose. Not to hurt me or scare me, but just because she misses me. I want to go and see her, but I'm scared to. I can't ask her if she is coming into my dreams on purpose. I really needed someone to talk to about it, but Stephen must be busy because he didn't answer when I texted his phone, and Kelli didn't answer hers. I hate waking someone just for a nightmare. But what I need, what I really need, is to be able to wrap myself in someone's arms and sob it out when I wake from a dream like this. I am going to have to do some work to keep this from clinging to me all day long.

God, my heart aches. Sometimes I hate dreams. I want to stop crying now...